I am sitting here at my homemade computer on my unfinished pine desk (I never finished it for an ex-girlfriend when she decided to break up with me). I am eating a large carrot, drinking decaf spiced chai tea from my Ken's House of Pancakes coffee mug from Hilo Hawaii and listening to La Tienda's Papau -St. Tropez on Pandora Internet Radio. It is 12:08 in the morning. I have been contemplating my career. I have come to a conclusion. Very clear and precise. If I can avoid getting back into it then by all means I should try.
I was laid off 24 days ago when the international firm I had worked for a little less than 4 years decided to close the Phoenix commercial land development department completely. The excuse was that they had no confidence in the Phoenix market. It wasn't like we were sitting on our thumbs. In fact since we went from 25 to 4 in less than a year I had not been busier since I started. I was relieved to be honest.
Presently due to the recession there are no jobs available in my field. There will not likely be any for the rest of the year. The commercial market follows the housing market. Where new housing is developed then so follows the commercial development. With a surplus of housing on the market and more joining every day due to foreclosures and walkouts, predictions of a turn around are aways off.
Four years ago in March, I was upset. In October of the previous year I was let go from a local engineering company to cover up the incompetence of my project manager. This is not the first time that this has happened. Frankly I was fed up. I decided to never go back into that field again. I got rid off all my reference books and most of my office tools. Which I later regretted. My buddy owned a 4x4 shop and instantly offered me a job. I took it and couldn't be happier. I started envisioning my own shop working on classic car restorations. I figured this would give me an introduction into the local market and learn who was who and where to get what. Due to financial complications my buddy decided to sell his shop a few months later. He convinced me not to buy it from him since he was trying to get away from part of his life that was indirectly and directly connected to the shop. I conceded that it might make it difficult for him if I was holding on to something he was trying to put out of his mind. I got a job with another friend at his newly established used car lot. Which I will never do again. I learned that as long a car can get off the lot and last a few years then that's all a used car mechanic needs to worry about. This completely rubs against my precision engineering work ethic background. I only lasted a few months.
My buddy who owned the 4x4 shop put it to me this way: I was too much of an engineer to be a production mechanic. In other words I was too slow and precise. This made sense but non-the-less did not make me happy. Not because it was true but because I couldn't believe that accuracy and precision were not as important as I and the majority of upset customers expected. The whole strained relationship between customers and mechanics started to make more sense to me. Anyways the reason why I was upset in March was because my buddy told me that I needed to get back into engineering if wanted to get married and start a family. It was not because of him but because I felt trapped. I didn't want to admit that at that point it was the most logical conclusion. We both agreed that the mechanic work that would most benefit from my engineering mind frame would be car restoration since it is a requirement to be precise and detailed in that market if you are going to last.
Reluctantly I gave in to looking for another position in engineering. I determined if I got a job then I would make it my career and retire from it. I got several offers and took the one that seemed most promising. Everything seemed to be working better than before. I was quickly recognized as a promising candidate for promotion into Project Management. I never expected that. I started training for Project Management until my management changed. The bubble burst and things started following age old patterns that I had seen countless times in the last 17 years since I started in this line of work. I figured that at least I broke my record of 3 years at any one firm. I was told I was being redirected in my responsibilities by the management and PM was no longer a viable option unless I got a engineering license. So I decided to start studying for my license. Two years into the new management and we get shut down. Great. Even if I had a license I still couldn't get hired.
I have often thought about the computer engineers and technicians who completely changed course after the dot com bust in the 90's. There were no jobs available and many of them jumped ship and started coffee shops, boutiques, and what not. I always admired their courage to do something so opposite of what they did before. It was not like they had any money in fact most of them were broke. My mother said she was reminded of me when she watched Office Space. That is one of my favorite movies in fact. I can say one thing for certain, I have never been more confident about not going back then I am right now. It would seem that some unseen force is working against my engineering career. I can't even stay in it if I wanted too.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Guide and the Navigator: a bedtime story
Two people were lost. The first person needed to be somewhere other than being lost. This person had heard of a place where many lost people had been found. These people lived a happy life in community and mutual respect. The ruler of this place welcomed all who would come. But nobody could find this place on their own and so the ruler would send guides out to seek the lost so that they could be found. The guides had once been lost as well but because the ruler had always sent guides out looking for the lost they became guides, being that they now knew the way to the place of happiness. The more practice they had at guiding the lost the better they became. Sometimes a more experienced guide would take a less experienced guide to help them get better.
The other lost person had already been found and lived in the happy place for some time. This person was a guide too and had guided lost people to the happy place. Obviously this person was not lost like the other person. At least not anymore. This person needed to go somewhere where he had never been. Sometimes on these journeys the found people would lose there way. Life in the happy place was easy but when traveling through the surrounding badlands it could get confusing and frustrating. The ruler was wise and gave all found people a means of communication; a special radio which the traveller could send and receive messages directly to and from the ruler. The travellers had enemies everywhere that would try and lay traps for them or get them to forget about the happy place. The enemies were jealous because the found people were so happy. The enemies did not want to believe that people could be found and happy. The enemies would send false messages to the traveller to try and get them lost. As long as the traveller kept his special radio on and listened to it only, then the traveller could get by a trap. But sometimes the traveller would turn the radio off accidentally or listen to the false messages thinking that they were coming from the radio. When the traveller did this everything would get confusing. The longer the traveller kept his radio off the more confused he would get until he got lost. What the lost traveller needed was a navigator.
Now a navigator is responsible for helping people find there way through the dangers and traps on these journeys through the badlands. Sometimes these journeys were for whole families and sometimes for just one person. Every guide would eventually start a journey of their own after they learned how. Sometimes the ruler would send a navigator with a family or an individual traveller depending on how hard of a journey it would be. The navigators had learned from the ruler how to see far away in the distance if danger was there. The navigator could read the land and listen clearly to the ruler. It was important to discern between the true messages that the ruler would send and the false messages that the enemies would send. It was not an easy job because the enemies hated the navigators even more and tried to destroy the work of the navigator. If the travellers listened to the navigator they would have an easier journey. But because of the confusion that was in the badlands sometimes the traveller would not understand the navigator and then get in more trouble. The ruler would hear the call of his traveller and send a navigator to help him find the right direction. Not all travellers needed a navigator all of the time and the ruler would send the navigators to the travellers who needed them, so long as the travellers accepted them. The ruler's desire is that all travellers would learn to navigate by his voice alone through the radio he had given. This is the life long quest for all the travellers. Someday all the journeys in the badlands will be taken for all the travellers and then the navigators will no longer need to navigate these badlands. But until that day the ruler will send the navigators to help the travellers find their way.
The other lost person had already been found and lived in the happy place for some time. This person was a guide too and had guided lost people to the happy place. Obviously this person was not lost like the other person. At least not anymore. This person needed to go somewhere where he had never been. Sometimes on these journeys the found people would lose there way. Life in the happy place was easy but when traveling through the surrounding badlands it could get confusing and frustrating. The ruler was wise and gave all found people a means of communication; a special radio which the traveller could send and receive messages directly to and from the ruler. The travellers had enemies everywhere that would try and lay traps for them or get them to forget about the happy place. The enemies were jealous because the found people were so happy. The enemies did not want to believe that people could be found and happy. The enemies would send false messages to the traveller to try and get them lost. As long as the traveller kept his special radio on and listened to it only, then the traveller could get by a trap. But sometimes the traveller would turn the radio off accidentally or listen to the false messages thinking that they were coming from the radio. When the traveller did this everything would get confusing. The longer the traveller kept his radio off the more confused he would get until he got lost. What the lost traveller needed was a navigator.
Now a navigator is responsible for helping people find there way through the dangers and traps on these journeys through the badlands. Sometimes these journeys were for whole families and sometimes for just one person. Every guide would eventually start a journey of their own after they learned how. Sometimes the ruler would send a navigator with a family or an individual traveller depending on how hard of a journey it would be. The navigators had learned from the ruler how to see far away in the distance if danger was there. The navigator could read the land and listen clearly to the ruler. It was important to discern between the true messages that the ruler would send and the false messages that the enemies would send. It was not an easy job because the enemies hated the navigators even more and tried to destroy the work of the navigator. If the travellers listened to the navigator they would have an easier journey. But because of the confusion that was in the badlands sometimes the traveller would not understand the navigator and then get in more trouble. The ruler would hear the call of his traveller and send a navigator to help him find the right direction. Not all travellers needed a navigator all of the time and the ruler would send the navigators to the travellers who needed them, so long as the travellers accepted them. The ruler's desire is that all travellers would learn to navigate by his voice alone through the radio he had given. This is the life long quest for all the travellers. Someday all the journeys in the badlands will be taken for all the travellers and then the navigators will no longer need to navigate these badlands. But until that day the ruler will send the navigators to help the travellers find their way.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Grey Cat
One Thursday night before Christmas I was sitting at a bar in Tempe. None of the local regulars where around to talk with so I decided to sit at the bar and have a drink.
Actually two people were there that I knew besides the bartender and the cook. One being semi-regular middle aged man who was giving me advice on becoming the exclusive mechanic in the state of Arizona for old 'Ratis (apparently short for Maserati) and Fiats since no one would touch them but died-in-the-wool fans of these mechanically troublesome relics of recent past. The idea was intriguing. The other older man was the all too regular (for the bar owner) electrician that may be rich or maybe not. Every time I see him he has already drunk too much and he can't quite seem to remember what he just thought about. But he recognizes me and always thanks me for being so nice to him since he knows he is annoying to most people. In the midst of this hand shaking - side shoulder hugging ritual that we go through, he spills my pint of Four Peaks Kilt Lifter - he buys me another one. I just laugh it off because the guy is so ridiculous, I find it amusing. They both eventually leave by the time my story gets to it's point.
The bands that were playing were unusually young and the crowd was unusually older. I quickly determined that these bands had many of their parents there to support them. It also occurred to me that these band members were teenagers. Not the high-school graduates that can't drink but can play in a band at a bar but actual high-school students. This was confirmed when the 'Rati man that I mentioned earlier turned to me in annoyance to say that he was confused as to why the good-looking late thirties/early forties brunette in front of him wasn't paying any attention to him. I leaned over to give him a clue (maybe). I said that I thought she was the mother of singer on stage (deductive guess). I didn't try to explain why that would be the reason. But that got him curious. So eventually he succeeded in finding out that she was indeed the mother of the young girl singing. After that she started paying more attention to him but he probably lost interest since he left not to long afterwards.
I don't remember exactly how many bands played but they were not that good to be honest. I hadn't eaten anything for dinner so after my third beer I started to feel a buzz. I starting thinking about ordering something from the grill. The buzz actually helped to loosen the anxiety that I had been feeling off and on through out the year about the all to real possibility of losing my job because of the bad economy. This is when my attention was drawn to the stage and a young, good-looking women, I had seen walking around earlier, started a rap.
It was not the kind of rap that you put to music but a honest testimony of her recent life as a crack dealer/user. I had thought briefly when she was walking around that she didn't seem to belong there. Now I knew for sure. I though it was strange that she was part of this production company's lineup. There was something harsh/gypsy-like in her demeanor. She certainly had the exotic facial features of real gypsies. I let it pass since most people who went to that bar didn't really belong anywhere which was why they went there. I don't remember the exact words of her testimony rap but I was hit hard with the content. When she was done I just sat there dumbfounded looking over the bar through the cheap bottles of liquor that line the lowest shelf. "What just happened?" I thought. The buzz was still there but an overwhelming urgency was invading my mind pushing the buzz into the background and allowing me to think very clearly about what I had just felt. It had been a long time since I felt that presence. I had wondered if I could still feel those things. The hairs on my arms were trying to stand up under my brown leather jacket. It was not out of fear but out of acute awareness. I was annoyed that I knew. I knew what that feeling was. I was trying to figure out what I should do as I stared down the bottles. I really just wanted to forget about it but I couldn't. I needed to say something. I distinctly remember that she had said that she was nine months clean from drugs. Yet she was up there declaring to anyone and all that she was free. She needed to be told and I don't know why I had to tell her.
She was outside on the patio with some friends when I came up to her and padded her shoulder. I apologized for interrupting and thanked her for her testimony. She thanked me for that. Then I told her to be careful. She asked why. Then I said because she had a demon following her. That was all I had to say and was about to turn around back to the bar inside. If she knows she will understand I reasoned, otherwise it was an easy enough metaphor for the all to common relapse that most heavy drug addicts go through. This had gotten her attention and started a conversation between us. She wanted to know if I was a psychic and how I knew. She didn't think I was crazy nor was she scared. She said she was a psychic and proceeded to tell me about things she saw in my life. She hit the nail on the head with two or three things that happened in my past long ago but the rest was just guessing and bringing up names that I clearly did not know. I was trying to be polite and probed her understanding to see she where she was. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Our conversation turned out to be very interesting and we talked about Jesus and God and she acknowledged the difference between good and evil. I won't get into it here because I don't remember everything exactly, I felt a responsibility for her know and asked if we could keep in touch. She agreed. She knew there was a reason for me to tell her what I told her. I needed to make sure that she could ask me more questions when she needed too. As soon as I had divulged my warning my buzz came back just a little bit harder and I knew I needed some water and food. But I do remember that she asked me if I had a grey cat. I said no.
There are allot of cats around my house for some odd reason. The only thing was they were black or mixed colors. I had heard that one of my neighbors was responsible for all these cats wandering around our neighborhood. This to me is a little annoying since I have a dirt lot and a bush that they love to do their business in and always smells like urine and feces if I don't get around to cleaning all the time. I do my best to run them off. She said keep the gray cat. I didn't put much weight to the idea since I am not superstitious.
I had talked with my recently moved away neighbor for little bit one day a couple of months ago when I noticed they were packing a truck. He was explaining their situation and saying he would miss this neighborhood except of course for the cats. He is the one that told me about the other neighbor who let all her cats walk about freely. He told me that one day he walked out in front of his house when he noticed his neighbor, an African immigrant, was stoning an already dead cat in front of his yard. My neighbor asked him in shock why he was doing such a thing and didn't he notice that the cat was already dead. The African man looked up in apparent bewilderment and asked "Don't you know that cats have demons in them?" The African apparently moved out of his house shortly after. I had knew of this belief in some parts of the world so I was not surprised. It however makes me wonder why they believe this and what kind of situations or events enforce this belief. It is not entirely unbiblical that animals can be inhabited by spirits as Christ let Legion enter into the flock of swine.
The other day, a little after I came home from Christmas with my parents, I looked out my front window deep in thought when I noticed a cat walking across my yard pretty close to my window. It was an adult grey cat I had never seen before. I thought to myself "Interesting." The next day as I drove to work I saw sitting on the roof of my derelict 1961 Cadillac next to my house three adult grey cats that I have never seen before as well. I can see how people become superstitious as this is not the first time I have seen "interesting" things. I wondered amusingly which one I was supposed to keep.
Ironically I was laid off a few days ago. Maybe one too many grey cats is not good.
Actually two people were there that I knew besides the bartender and the cook. One being semi-regular middle aged man who was giving me advice on becoming the exclusive mechanic in the state of Arizona for old 'Ratis (apparently short for Maserati) and Fiats since no one would touch them but died-in-the-wool fans of these mechanically troublesome relics of recent past. The idea was intriguing. The other older man was the all too regular (for the bar owner) electrician that may be rich or maybe not. Every time I see him he has already drunk too much and he can't quite seem to remember what he just thought about. But he recognizes me and always thanks me for being so nice to him since he knows he is annoying to most people. In the midst of this hand shaking - side shoulder hugging ritual that we go through, he spills my pint of Four Peaks Kilt Lifter - he buys me another one. I just laugh it off because the guy is so ridiculous, I find it amusing. They both eventually leave by the time my story gets to it's point.
The bands that were playing were unusually young and the crowd was unusually older. I quickly determined that these bands had many of their parents there to support them. It also occurred to me that these band members were teenagers. Not the high-school graduates that can't drink but can play in a band at a bar but actual high-school students. This was confirmed when the 'Rati man that I mentioned earlier turned to me in annoyance to say that he was confused as to why the good-looking late thirties/early forties brunette in front of him wasn't paying any attention to him. I leaned over to give him a clue (maybe). I said that I thought she was the mother of singer on stage (deductive guess). I didn't try to explain why that would be the reason. But that got him curious. So eventually he succeeded in finding out that she was indeed the mother of the young girl singing. After that she started paying more attention to him but he probably lost interest since he left not to long afterwards.
I don't remember exactly how many bands played but they were not that good to be honest. I hadn't eaten anything for dinner so after my third beer I started to feel a buzz. I starting thinking about ordering something from the grill. The buzz actually helped to loosen the anxiety that I had been feeling off and on through out the year about the all to real possibility of losing my job because of the bad economy. This is when my attention was drawn to the stage and a young, good-looking women, I had seen walking around earlier, started a rap.
It was not the kind of rap that you put to music but a honest testimony of her recent life as a crack dealer/user. I had thought briefly when she was walking around that she didn't seem to belong there. Now I knew for sure. I though it was strange that she was part of this production company's lineup. There was something harsh/gypsy-like in her demeanor. She certainly had the exotic facial features of real gypsies. I let it pass since most people who went to that bar didn't really belong anywhere which was why they went there. I don't remember the exact words of her testimony rap but I was hit hard with the content. When she was done I just sat there dumbfounded looking over the bar through the cheap bottles of liquor that line the lowest shelf. "What just happened?" I thought. The buzz was still there but an overwhelming urgency was invading my mind pushing the buzz into the background and allowing me to think very clearly about what I had just felt. It had been a long time since I felt that presence. I had wondered if I could still feel those things. The hairs on my arms were trying to stand up under my brown leather jacket. It was not out of fear but out of acute awareness. I was annoyed that I knew. I knew what that feeling was. I was trying to figure out what I should do as I stared down the bottles. I really just wanted to forget about it but I couldn't. I needed to say something. I distinctly remember that she had said that she was nine months clean from drugs. Yet she was up there declaring to anyone and all that she was free. She needed to be told and I don't know why I had to tell her.
She was outside on the patio with some friends when I came up to her and padded her shoulder. I apologized for interrupting and thanked her for her testimony. She thanked me for that. Then I told her to be careful. She asked why. Then I said because she had a demon following her. That was all I had to say and was about to turn around back to the bar inside. If she knows she will understand I reasoned, otherwise it was an easy enough metaphor for the all to common relapse that most heavy drug addicts go through. This had gotten her attention and started a conversation between us. She wanted to know if I was a psychic and how I knew. She didn't think I was crazy nor was she scared. She said she was a psychic and proceeded to tell me about things she saw in my life. She hit the nail on the head with two or three things that happened in my past long ago but the rest was just guessing and bringing up names that I clearly did not know. I was trying to be polite and probed her understanding to see she where she was. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Our conversation turned out to be very interesting and we talked about Jesus and God and she acknowledged the difference between good and evil. I won't get into it here because I don't remember everything exactly, I felt a responsibility for her know and asked if we could keep in touch. She agreed. She knew there was a reason for me to tell her what I told her. I needed to make sure that she could ask me more questions when she needed too. As soon as I had divulged my warning my buzz came back just a little bit harder and I knew I needed some water and food. But I do remember that she asked me if I had a grey cat. I said no.
There are allot of cats around my house for some odd reason. The only thing was they were black or mixed colors. I had heard that one of my neighbors was responsible for all these cats wandering around our neighborhood. This to me is a little annoying since I have a dirt lot and a bush that they love to do their business in and always smells like urine and feces if I don't get around to cleaning all the time. I do my best to run them off. She said keep the gray cat. I didn't put much weight to the idea since I am not superstitious.
I had talked with my recently moved away neighbor for little bit one day a couple of months ago when I noticed they were packing a truck. He was explaining their situation and saying he would miss this neighborhood except of course for the cats. He is the one that told me about the other neighbor who let all her cats walk about freely. He told me that one day he walked out in front of his house when he noticed his neighbor, an African immigrant, was stoning an already dead cat in front of his yard. My neighbor asked him in shock why he was doing such a thing and didn't he notice that the cat was already dead. The African man looked up in apparent bewilderment and asked "Don't you know that cats have demons in them?" The African apparently moved out of his house shortly after. I had knew of this belief in some parts of the world so I was not surprised. It however makes me wonder why they believe this and what kind of situations or events enforce this belief. It is not entirely unbiblical that animals can be inhabited by spirits as Christ let Legion enter into the flock of swine.
The other day, a little after I came home from Christmas with my parents, I looked out my front window deep in thought when I noticed a cat walking across my yard pretty close to my window. It was an adult grey cat I had never seen before. I thought to myself "Interesting." The next day as I drove to work I saw sitting on the roof of my derelict 1961 Cadillac next to my house three adult grey cats that I have never seen before as well. I can see how people become superstitious as this is not the first time I have seen "interesting" things. I wondered amusingly which one I was supposed to keep.
Ironically I was laid off a few days ago. Maybe one too many grey cats is not good.
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